It seems very difficult for Western people to keep love in marriage
forever. I have seen many examples of this problem, but I have the hope and
wish that couples may overcome their difficulties and toward that end I give a few of my own ideas in this booklet. To the
West my thoughts may seem very foolish, but I am just a person of the East and
can talk only about the Eastern traditions.
It is said by modern youths, "Marriage is
the grave burying all love!" Most of these youths have for a long time
centered their thoughts and energies on fornication. Hence in one bed a couple
has four minds, each person having two minds: one thinking about how to make
love and fornicate again soon, the other thinking about how to get another
lover or love. They do not want marriage. Especially nowadays
there are many community groups which help give such people the opportunity to
meet new sexual partners. Many religious centers utilize their members' sinful
habits and gather young males and females together for meeting and choosing
each other in order to collect more money from them. This kind of love is not really human love but animal love. The result of such love
is only quarrels, fights, and suicides.
"The union of man and wife is from God, but divorce is from the
devil," so said
The first condition you must have is appreciation. According to Buddhist
philosophy, among all the various kinds of human relationships, the partnership
of husband and wife is the most important. Try to think of one's lifetime. The
time spent with one's parents is only in early childhood, the first 6 years.
After this the child goes to school and spends much
time with teachers and professors for the next 12 years. The time spent with
friends may last from a few hours, with eating and drinking friends, to a few
years, as with friends who are fellow-workers. It is only the husband and wife
who have a relationship which may last through one's whole
adult lifetime. Let us think in terms of space, certainly the closest
relationship is that of husband and wife. They live together, sleep together,
play together, eat and shop together, and give "pillow lectures" to
each other together. They share happiness and sadness together,
they feed and educate their own children together. They seem to be two people,
yet they are just like one body.
It is traditionally held that God created woman
for man and said that man should not be alone. Woman and man should mutually
help each other. It is said that God created
1. The
first explanation is that, since the rib is a little crooked, "if you
straighten it, you will break it; if you leave it alone, it will always be
crooked." This is written in the scripture of
Islam. This is thought to be a good way to treat each
other. I don't agree with it.
2. The
second explanation is that the rib is always covered,
even when a man is naked. This explanation is also written
down by Mohammedans. Hence, Moslems think their wives should
be kept concealed and that a woman must be kept from other's sight, when
out in public, by wearing clothing even over her head and face. This idea I also do not think is very good.
3. The
last explanation which I appreciate the most is that
the rib is very close to the heart. It is written in the Talmud
that "a wife comes from his side, that she should be near his
heart." This is why marriage is really a partnership and spouses call each
other sweetheart. If you appreciate your spouse as your own heart, then you
will love each other forever.
If instead of from a rib, God had made woman from
Adam's eye, she might always see his faults; if from his head, she would
control him; from his arms, she might fight with him; or from his feet, she
might run after and watch him and never let him work alone; from his belly she
might ask him to share her difficulties in pregnancy. The rib is really
the best part of the body which is close to the heart.
I like this explanation. Please remember
If two lives join,
There is oft a scar,
They are one and one,
With a shadowy third,
One near one, is too far.
Because they are still two not
really one.
One must melt into the other
then they
become really one.
Hence, both should melt oneself into the other as one person, or as one
looks at oneself in the glass.
It is said that one must be like a mirror image
to the other. When one smiles, the other in the mirror
must also be happy, when one is sad, the other must also share the sorrow. When
one laughs, the other will smile. Always treat your spouse as if your were his or her mirror image and think of yourselves as
one person, not two people.
However, the story of creation and its explanation is a myth and not
reasonably based on scientific foundation. True talk on this subject may be found in Buddhism. All relationships are based on the accumulation of karmas (the results of
one's actions) through many past lives of endless transmigration through which
every person drives himself by his actions and ignorance. Among all kinds of
relationships, the partnership of husband and wife results from the gathering
of much more and deeper mutual karma than any other kind of relationship. And in this lifetime's marriage they gather more good karma
or bad karma which will influence not only their happiness or sadness in their
present married life together, but also in their future lives. It is not easy
to get such a relationship, therefore one should
deeply appreciate it.
A man and a woman in love are incomplete until they have married. It is
quite true that wives are young men's mistresses, companions of their middle
age, and old men's nurses. The opposite is also true, that husbands are young
women's lovers, companions for their middle years, and old women's nurses. A
modern idea is as
To a Buddhist, marriage is a true confirmation of love.
1. Mother-like
Wife: She thinks of her husband as though she were his mother, daily helping
her husband without tire. She treats him as her own son. It is good karma to
reward her husband because she had been his mother in past lives and he had also been her filial son for many lives.
2. Sister-like
Wife: She serves her husband as her brother, with reverence, like older brother
and younger brother. It is good karma to reward her husband because she had
been his young sister in the past and had been kindly protected and
affectionately loved by him in many lives.
3. Wife
of Knowledge: She faithfully and skillfully tells the truth of every kind of
knowledge to her husband and helps not only in tasks of family economy but also
in education and home plans. She is like his teacher. It is good karma to
reward her husband because he had been her dutiful guru or professor for many
lifetimes.
4. A
Good Wife: She is as good as a good wife should be. She is humble without
pride, simple without much cosmetics. She is not
talkative. She does everything to make her husband happy. She is meek and
agreeable and never causes her husband anger. It is the very best karma to
reward her husband who had been her very helpful friend or
neighbor or doctor and who had done a lot of goodness for her health and
wealth in past lives.
5. Maid-like
Wife: She is filial and kind to her husband. She is a careful housekeeper and
faithful, grateful servant to her husband. She is never proud, never angry,
never does anything to make her husband unhappy. She is chaste and never has
any other boy friend. She has no quarrels, no fights, no
bad manners. She treats her husband like a king.
6. Enemy-like
Wife: Whenever she sees her husband she feels very
angry. Though they live together, her mind always thinks of other people and
desires. She wants to run away and does not take care of her own children. She
loves the husbands of others without shame. It is a bad karmic result. Her
husband had been her enemy and treated her very badly in past lives.
7. Murderous
Wife: She may put some poison in the food or do something else to kill her
husband. She remarries again only a few days after her former husband dies.
This is the worst punishment for her husband who had in
previous lives killed his wife with the same poison or knives.
A similar classification holds true for seven kinds of husbands. Most
men who have bad wives committed the sin of adultery in their own past lives.
They have already received such bad consequences as:
1. No protection for himself. 2. No protection for his wife.
3. No protection for his family. 4.
Always doubting his wife through which he commits sins again. 5. He is
subject to be killed by his enemy. 6.
He is bothered by many distresses and many diseases. 7. He cannot get
rich at any risk. 8. He will be yet poorer again.
As Buddhism is not a gynaeco-centric theory as
emphasized by the American scholar
True love is but a humble, low-born thing,
And hath its food served up in
earthen ware,
It is a thing to walk with
hand in hand
Through the everydayness of
this workday.
Many people do not distinguish among the different kinds of love.
Nuptial love makes mankind, friendly love perfects it,
wanton love corrupts and debases it. Love after marriage is not getting but
giving, not a wild dream of pleasure as is wanton love or the madness of
desire. It should be goodness, honor, and peace, pure and living.
Love after marriage is full of emotion which is
beyond any reason or scale of justice. The person who tries to find out the
reason or define justice within their partnership just discovers some quarrels
and fights. I remember that when I was on my honeymoon I got a poem at the
pillow with my bride, it said:
Under you
I do lie,
And for you I may die.
don't
know the reason,
But I never ask why.
One who has never loved has never lived. One hour of true love is worth
an age of dully living on. Respect derives from love and no other condition or
reason can interfere with it.
If a married couple is living together without love, how can they
continuously live together?
Love then has every bliss in
store,
It is friendship, it is something
more.
Each other every wish they give,
Not to know love is not to live.
If a husband and wife are themselves humble and respect their spouse as
they Lord, then their love in marriage will last throughout their whole lives.
That is why it is written in the Talmud, "Be the
husband only as big as an ant, yet the wife seats herself among the
great." For wives the opposite of this sermon is also true. If you are a wife you should think that it is also true for yourself,
saying, "Be the wife only as big as an ant, yet the husband seats himself
among the great." If both respect each other like this, their love after
marriage will become deeper and deeper forever.
In Confucianism there is a very well-known
proverb which says, "Husband and wife should always be respectful to each
other as if newly comes a noble guest."
Respect is positive for love. It is also negative to one's incorrect
thoughts and all vicious antagonisms without surrendering one's belief or
principles. In short, where there is respect and appreciation there is nothing
lacking in a relationship.
The second condition to keep love after marriage is to have sympathy for
each other.
True
love's the gift which God has given,
To
man alone beneath the heaven.
It
is the secret sympathy,
The silver link, the silken tie,
Which
heart to heart, and mind to mind,
In
body and in soul to bind.
When a family is fully infused with the air of
sympathy, even the heavens will be in harmony. That was why
It is not reason that governs love. Love draws us one way, reason
another. So far I have learned that only Vajra love of the Buddhist Tantra
can make love and reason go together. That practice uses different terms and
holds love as great compassion and reason as deep Sunyata.
But I cannot write here an essay on this profound
subject which is not easy for an ordinary person to practice.
For most ordinary people, the first sign of love is the last of wisdom. That is why a German proverb says, "The bachelor is a peacock,
the engaged man a lion and the married man a jackass who has no more wisdom but
does have sex." It is not from reason and prudence that people
marry, but from inclination when two souls are one, and two hearts melt into
one heart. The woman or man once loved will always be right because love finds
no fault in its object.
Love after marriage becomes much deeper and sympathetic. Whenever there
is pleasure between a couple they love all in all;
whenever there is sorrow or sadness between them there is sympathy for each
other. They confound their enemies and delight their friends. They have the
same good feelings. The husband will feel that, "It is not beauty but fine
qualities that keep a husband." The wife also feels that a woman's best
possession is a sympathetic husband. In women, sympathy begets love; in men,
love begets sympathy; and all husbands will feel that of all the paths that
lead to a wife's love, sympathy is the straightest.
One must always feel sympathy for the other. In this way, one can keep
the opposite one in love until life is gone. Within a partnership
there is nothing to rule or control but love and sympathy. Authority is only
for children and servants. The reason why so many couples are not happy is because they spend their time in making nets to get fish
from every kind of water or in making cages to put their spouse into. Hence,
adultery without controlling oneself and selfishness without sympathy are both
enemies to happiness. This is why we not only need appreciation as the first
condition but also sympathy as the second condition.
Many men and women think they must control their spouses. They think "I must make him obey me." This kind of talk
is foolish and selfish. The two opposites of male and female are just like the
positive and negative forces of electricity. They must be like this so that
they can help each other. Let them have different ideas, let them have
different opinions and things to talk about, but they can still harmonize every
kind of contradiction together. You must learn to agree with each other and
settle all contradictory ideas into a harmonization. Do not fear if there is
some quarrel, but we must always have sympathy with the other side. Then when
we love together, there is love; and when we quarrel together, there is also love, everlasting love. In this way
our love will last a long time.
It is so pitiful that most young couples try to know
each other and fall in love in only 3 days, love each other for only 3 weeks,
squabble with each other for 3 months, tolerate each other for 3 years, and
then some of them get divorced while a few others continuously bear their pains
for about 30 years and die under such unhappy conditions. And their children learn about this from them and repeat the
pattern. Our society is full of such sorrows. That is why there is a crying
need for sympathy.
One should not let one's spouse discover that one's bravery is only
bravado, that one's strength is only a uniform, that one's power is only a gun
in the hands of a fool. You should give appreciation to each other, humbly
respect each other and have sympathy for each other.
Many people want to justify their divorces. Actually
there is no reason at all for any case of divorce. As I have already said, love
is a kind of emotion or passion or sensation, it is like a fire you cannot
weigh and like a wind you cannot measure. The only
word instead of love after marriage is sympathy.
The New Testament taught us how to be sympathetic, "Rejoice with
them that do rejoice, weep with them that weep." Do not let your wife or
husband weep alone. We sink as easily as we rise through sympathy and we learn
to flow for others' good and melt for others' woes. When your own teeth ache
then you know how to be sympathetic towards someone who has a toothache.
Sympathy is a supporting atmosphere and in it we
unfold easily and well. Sympathy is having your pain in my heart. We should try
to be sympathetic in time, before an affliction is digested,
consolation never comes too soon and after a problem is digested, it comes too
late. When one is married, deep love is when sympathy comes just in time. Every sorrow or pain of
any cause will be dissolved into it.
There is no one who is without fault or sin. We, just as all sentient
beings, have been in transmigration for countless life times. A married couple
has loved and hated each other through many lifetimes of marriage. Unless and
until we are able to free ourselves altogether from transmigration, we must bear
the pain that arises from each other. If we try to appreciate each other and
have sympathy for each other but find we are still unable to stop the thought
of divorce, the only way to cure this is forgiveness.
Our God forgives us so much so we must forgive
each other. There is no perfect man. Many foolish people just like to imagine
that there is a perfect wife for them somewhere and do not trust their existing
wife. This is very foolish. You must trust each other and not imagine any one
else. Just keep your faith in each other and if something unpleasant happens,
you must forgive each other. When you forgive each other, the argument is
finished and you can love deeply again.
The main problem leading to divorce appears to be infidelity. Once the
marriage vows are broken there is an unwillingness to
forgive. The problem is just like an onion which has a strong outer coating but
which, once removed grows a new one. Both sides of a couple, male or female,
easily commit adultery in our Kali age. Before marriage, it seems that everyone
nowadays has committed the sexual act. Parents cannot stop it, teachers cannot
forbid it, doctors cannot cure it. And
after marriage, who dares to say that you suddenly have the power to control
your spouse who has not been controlled before.
Once I was asked by a Tibetan pilgrim for a divination.
He wanted to know whether his wife remained chaste or not after his departure.
I immediately replied without making a divination, "This needs no
divination. Please reflect upon yourself, if you have committed adultery three
times after your departure, your wife will not commit adultery less than three
times."
If you yourself have committed adultery and you can forgive yourself,
why can't you do the same for your wife's actions? One
should keep one's eyes wide open only before marriage, but half shut
afterwards. Actually, even if your eyes were widely open before marriage, your
eyes at that time were clouded by your love which hid
all your spouse's faults. You chose to believe that she was still a virgin. If
after marriage you keep your love, you need not shut your eyes but should still
trust her as well as if she were still a virgin, as if even you yourself kept
her virginity intact. As I have said before, there is no reason or fault to be held against your spouse. We should love without reserve.
That is why
As I have mentioned many times in this article, the relationship of
husband and wife is based principally on love, not on
reason. Whence our manner to each other should be only to
forgive, not to judge. We should pardon each other as long as we love
each other. Through forgiveness what is broken is made
whole again and what is soiled is again made clean.
Another problem which very often occurs in married
life is quarrels. Do not fear a quarrel. This can also be a requisite
for love. A quarrel can be considered an opportunity to get some rest as too much sex is not good for your health. You can
think, "Oh, God wants me to rest and have some time to relax and to
reflect on myself. It will be good to have a few days separation. Afterwards we
can become harmonized again."
One should not selfishly say that my wife must obey me and I must
control her, because it is not right for either wife or husband to control the
other. Try to learn from the chickens. When the hen crows after she lays her
egg, the rooster keeps still. When the cock heralds the dawn, the hen sleeps.
They never quarrel with each other.
If there is no way to stop the opposite spouse from quarreling, one must
bear it for the time being and wait with love and patience and keep silent yourself. He or she will feel tired when they find no one to
quarrel with. A sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with
constant use against the same kind of tool.
Don't let a little thing start a long quarrel and from that let it lead to a divorce. Before a quarrel grows, one must
use forgiveness. A quarrel takes place between a couple and never takes place
alone. If either side has forgiveness, the quarrel will be
stopped in time. Otherwise, as
There can be fearful excitement on any side. Any one is able to accuse
the other. Accusation may divide their true hearts as a mighty stream of water
can divide mountains of solid rock. So our measurement
of true love is not where he or she stands in moments of comfort and
convenience, but where he or she stands at times of challenge and controversy.
To keep such a standard of love, forgiveness is the most important source which enables discord to give way to the relish of
concord. One must recognize that even the sun and moon which
are as different as bright day and night, still float each in their own orbit
but make a great harmony of the universe. The sun never takes over the moon any
more than the Red Communists of the East can take over the free world of the
West. In Confucianism there is an example of a couple with the husband as the
sun and the wife as the moon who together make the Chinese "Ming"
word of brightness with the sun on the left and the moon on the right. Hence we need not fear different ideas occurring between
couples but we must forgive each other and achieve the harmony which dissipates
all differences and opposites without quarrels and fights but with love and
sympathy. We must pardon each other as long as we love each other. When we love we find nothing missing and no sins in our spouse.
If one side can forgive the other, it will cause forgiveness to come
from the other side, too. It is just as Allah says, "He
who approaches near to me one span, I will approach to him one cubit; and he
who approaches to me one cubit, I will approach to him one fathom, and he who
ever approaches to me walking, I will come to him running, and he who meets
with sins equivalent to the whole world, I will greet him with forgiveness
equal to it."
As we love, we must forgive to the same degree that we love. Whenever
there is a cause for anger or quarrel, we should use forgiveness at the
starting point of such a time. In doing this we will not have to endure its
passing and suffer in unnecessary pain. Whenever forgiveness is done, it ought to
be like a canceled check, torn into several pieces and burnt up so that it can
never be made whole again and held against the other
side. After forgiveness is offered, immediately choose some pleasure
which your spouse likes, and enjoy it together. Just as when one eats
too much hot pepper, one should immediately drink some ice water or eat
something sweet. One must recognize that you yourself are not so good and
perfect so that your spouse may sometimes dislike you and have anger, then you
can easily use forgiveness. And forgiveness offered in
such a way is surely the means to give and gain new love and new life on both
sides.
Following the act of forgiveness, sweet harmony may prevail in the
family! The harmonious family produces divine life. Every home works through
this harmony or agreement and is like a steamship
pulled in one direction by both partnersf it
were pulled in opposite directions it would keel over.
There should be no separation, no divorce, only love and happiness. This
is what I hope my readers may share with me.
Through the above three conditions of appreciation, sympathy, and
forgiveness, one's marriage may never be broken. In that hope, our sages
arranged some special good names to celebrate each period of marriage that we
pass through. I would like to introduce all these good and lovely celebration
names below as an auspicious conclusion of this article. May all my good
readers celebrate all of them!
|
Years
of Marriage |
Name
of Wedding Anniversary |
|
25
|
Silver
|
|
30
|
|
|
35
|
Coral
|
|
40
|
Ruby
|
|
45
|
Sapphire
|
|
50
|
Gold
|
|
55
|
Beryl
|
|
60
|
Diamond
|
|
70
|
Platinum
(White Gold) |
After the platinum wedding anniversary, a couple may be about 100 years
old. Is it possible to be reborn as the same couple in every lifetime? Yes! If
their vows and their good karmas in this lifetime have been
well accumulated, this may happen. Nevertheless, such a mundane marriage
will eventually come to an end, sooner or later. It
may be asked, is there any extra-mundane marriage which
consists of real and everlasting love? Yes! I am sorry to say that even the
above three principles of appreciation, sympathy, and forgiveness have nothing
to do with everlasting love, even as practiced by Mary and Joseph who were
married with the God-Jehovah as their go-between. However, in Tantric Buddhism which emphasizes Vajra Love, there really is an eternal marriage as
exemplified or personified by many Indian and Tibetan sages such as Padmasambhva, Saraha, and Marpa.
Actually, Yoga is the holy name of extra-mundane marriage. Yoga means
union. Buddhist yoga is the Great Compassion of the male marrying with the Deep
Wisdom of the female, or in other terms, the Great Bodhicitta
marrying the Deep Sunyata. Whenever such a marriage
occurs, there is ceaseless love lasting forever.
Appreciation is connected with the Yidam and Dakini, sympathy is between altruism and non-egoism, while forgiveness is witnessed by the
As the three principles of appreciation, sympathy and forgiveness under
mundane circumstances are still so difficult for most people to practice, how
can I trust any modern youths to practice the extra-mundane ones? This is why
in this article I have not written any Tantric
methods of marriage love. I do hope there might be some people who have the
foundation to learn and practice Vajra Love from our
Gurus.
Thanks to
December, 1992